Kevin's first Testimony/Sermon, July 29th

(Excuse the grammar, there may be some loose ends in here, but you'll get the idea)

The Sermon of Sermons.


Good morning. I'd like to speak to you today about an issue that seems to become more relevant and confusing every day. In order to do so, I will be sharing with you about my life and what I've been processing in my last year at Kaleo. I hope that I can lend some of you a little perspective, for others that your previous views will be converted, and maybe just offer some comfort for others.

I'm going to be speaking on the issue of homosexuality today. This is a very colorful congregation and I'm not sure that I can do this issue justice in this church within the course of a 20 minute sermon, but I'm not about to limit the Spiritss and I have been praying that you will not either.

If you had been Jenna Grubaugh a little over two years ago, and we started sharing some deep things, I would have told you that I thought I was gay. At that time, I was struggling with addiction to gay porn, and I had been searching for love from a man throughout the internet. Also, I had been on a web blog several years before which questioned each bible verse that condemns homosexuality.

The Pastor of a 12,000 member church addressed several bible verses which condemned the act of homosexuality. He thought that perhaps the actual sin in Genesis 12 is that the men of Sodom wanted to rape Lot's guests, not that they wanted to engage in homosexuality. In Romans 1, Paul says that God gave the natural desires of men and women for unnatural ones, and they had homosexual relations with each other... But what if one had homosexual desires from the beginning? Would they not be natural desires then? I thought at that time that surely, if the leader of such a large congregation could question this issue, then the answer to whether or not 'being gay is ok' must be more colorful than a yes or a no. That blog was all I needed to continue down a path of destruction.

I want to start out saying that though I'm explaining to you many of the things that have been causal in my own homosexuality, and many of the other people whom have dealt with the same struggle, I'm not at all trying to put anyone in a box. If you are gay or dealing with same-sex attraction, my goal is not to try and sum you up, I certainly do not want to be put in a box.

I grew up with Laura Klassen as a best friend, and a family with four older female cousins whom I greatly looked up to. I remember watching the Hit List and seeing the Backstreet Boys for the first time on television. My initial reaction was disgust. Who are these goofs, especially the ugly blond one? That day I went to my cousin's house, and all of the younger cousins went into her room, only to find that it was COVERED, wall to wall, ceiling to floor, in magazine pictures of the Backstreet Boys, especially ones that showcased the ugly blond guy. It only took me a few seconds to decide that these guys were actually sooo cool. I identified with women from an early on, and I grew up shaping my ideas of what was cool by what my cousin thought was cool.

In Grade 2, we played a game called "boys against girls" which was basically just boys and girls chasing each other. But I didn't like how the guys were treating the girls... So I went on the girls’ side and would stand between them and the girls. It was then that the name "Kevina" was coined, and I hated it, but it stuck. Soon after, people would every now and then whip out the word 'gay' on me. It was around this time that I remember fantasizing about being embraced by Batman. While I would pretend to be a superhero like the other guys, I'd also wish for a hug from a big muscular guy.

The word gay became a large part of my life quickly. In Grade 4, I was going to my friend Josh's house, when Warren comes up to us and says "Hey Josh, what are you doing today?" "Having Kevin over." "Why are you doing that, don't you know he's gay?" Evidently, being gay built a separation between other guys and me, but the word seldom came up when I was with girls, and so I would spend more time with them.

In Grade 6 I found myself in a Grade 6/7 split class, and was relentlessly bullied by the bigger and older guys.

I was able to continue friendships with a few guy friends for the rest of elementary school, and still played sports, but I could be friends with almost any girl at school, and my female teachers of Grades 5 and 7 were my best friends of those years.

In high school, the separation between other guys and me sped up quickly. Gym class was gender specific, and became my least favourite course for the rest of school. I once enjoyed athletics, but playing with people who never passed me the ball, picked me close to the end and had little interest in me... I began to associate PE with guys, the majority of whom I felt worthless around. My interest in gay porn took off around this time.

In Grade 9, during our music unit, my french teacher asked me what kind of music I enjoyed and I responded "J'aime le jazz." I shared that I enjoyed Norah Jones' new album. For the next two years I was asked by guys that I had never even spoken to, "Do you like jazz music?" And they said it with a sly grin on their face so I knew that I was being harassed, but I couldn't tell anyone about it because... what do you do with that? It may not seem like anything to you... but it hurt the boy whose life was void of a strong and healthy male friendship. This is not to say that I did not have exceptional male role models in my life like Dad or Jesse Nickel. But I was scared that they may not want to pursue a relationship with me because of my struggle. Meanwhile, because I hadn't shared anything of this nature with them, I felt like there was something separating us... I was in an incredible pickle. Satan encouraged me to wither in my pit of depression, worry and separation.

I was suffering in silence because I had no idea what to do, and this became yet another reason for me to pull away from guys. For years I felt like a complete foreigner among them, but I longed to understand them. I would watch guys on movies wonder why women were such a mystery and in my mind I was like "you are the mystery... why can't you just focus on a friendship with the girl first... why can't you talk to other guys about what you're really feeling... what are you thinking?"

From a young age, I knew that I was different. And I know that many of you did too. I understand the argument that people are born gay. Last Summer I was telling close friends that I WAS born attracted to the same sex. But I know that my initial feelings toward Batman or other super heroes of my youth were not sexual. Before I had any understanding of the biology or emotion that are hidden behind this mysterious word 'sex', I craved a strong and masculine, non-erotic love from a man.

Professor Daryl J. Bem from Cornell University describes the process I experienced as "exotic becoming erotic". He states that while growing up, boys need to identify with other boys, and girls need to identify with other girls. Bem says that by the time of his own adolescence, a boy's own gender will seem familiar and boring, and attraction towards the opposite sex will kick in. But if a boy reaches puberty still curious about his own gender, homosexual attraction may result. I wonder whether it was because I never understood what went on inside of a man, his emotions, I settled for what was on the outside, his body. And this progression was soo smooth that I became unable to recognize that there was ever a reason for my same sex attraction. I began to just assume I was a homosexual from the beginning.

Trust me, I completely understand when someone says that they were gay from birth. I had always felt different from other guys, and with a lack of an intimate male mentor in my young life, I never knew any differently.

But to be frank, I'm surprised that there even is such a large argument surrounding the question of birth and homosexuality. As if the truth of my feelings, the truth of my experience, somehow carries more authority then the truth God revealed in his Word. I'm quite positive that the author behind creation is the same author behind the Bible, and that these two revelations are not in conflict. I'm shocked that the church has been so swayed by this argument, as if being born with a certain tendency makes it alright. It has already been shown that children can grow up with gluttonous or alcoholic tendencies because of genes. It is universally agreed upon that a child can be born with destructive desires simply because of chemical imbalances in the brain. One only needs to read Genesis 3 or Romans 5 to see that humanity 'has a habit' where sin is concerned. Though God's creation is good at it's core, we are all bent towards sin. This is why kids throw tantrums and hog their toys. If we were born inherently good, there would be no need for the bible, or the Holy Spirit within us! From Adam and Eve, we all think that we know better than God. But we don't. So should we let these children grow up drinking or eating themselves silly because they were born wanting that? Absolutely not! Any good parent knows will do what's best for their child, regardless of whether or not the child understands it.

Pastor Mark Driscoll tells this story. He walks out to the car with his 2 year daughter and has to put a load he's carrying in the trunk. For a split second he takes his eyes off his daughter, and when he turn back, she is running at full sprint towards the road- pigtails bouncing and cars going by at 50 miles an hour. He begins to preach repentance to her. "STOP. Don't go any further! Come back!" A second before she steps off of the curb, he grabs a hold of her suspenders and yanks backwards at full force. Was he being unloving, or lacking grace by overruling his child's will? For keeping her from certain death though it was the way she wanted to go?

John 3:16 says "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life." But despite believing in him, Christians still die... Jesus not only became our perfect sacrifice and our gateway to life in the presence of the Father, but he explained to us the heart behind God's law, as well as sending us his Spirit. In doing so, he equipped us to begin LIVING now. Eternal life starts now! Paul does not write that we should not engage in homosexuality without reason, but because the Father knows what's best. Though we, like the little girl running head-on into traffic may not understand why he shouts “turn around!”, it is out of the greatest love that he says "no."

Pursuing my homosexual desires has brought great death to my life in Christ in several ways. In my more recent life when I started meeting decent people outside of highschool who would love me for me, in the back of my mind I would wonder about their motivation behind their love for me. Because having a guy show interest in building a friendship with me was such a foreign experience to me, I would think that perhaps they wanted to pursue a more intimate relationship. That 'habit' yielded some embarrassment, much pain, more depression, and ultimately separation, mostly on my part.

As well, in speaking to others who have dealt with the same issue, our desires for homosexual relationships come from places of inadequacy and need. I have observed that they focus on what they want to receive out of their relationships. It's interesting for me to contrast my own feelings between having a relationship with a man and having one with a woman. When I think about being with a man, it's because I still want to be accepted by a man, like his masculinity will fill my lack thereof. However, when I expressed to my life leader Amanda this year my desire to marry a woman, she asked me "why?" My response was that I would love to love her. I love thinking about coming home to a best friend whom I can spoil with gifts, pour out my affection over and care for her needs. While the motivation behind living out my desire to be with a man would be “what can he give me, what will I get out of this, I need to feel complete”, I'd want nothing but to love a wife. “How can I support her, how can I better love her?” Only will I find completeness in the latter, the heterosexual relationship becauseGod created marriage for the latter.

In Ephesians 5, Paul writes that husbands and wives should submit to each other out of reverence for Christ. This sacrificial relationship is not a sign of weakness; rather it implies that both parties have something to give up to each other. Then Paul says especially to the husbands (who seem to usually be the ones who have the most trouble with making sacrifices for their spouses): Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her.” So when someone tells us he has to leave his marriage and find someone of his own gender in order to “stop living a lie” and to “be true to himself,” as Christians surely we must ask, “What actually is Truth here? And what is the Lie?” Basing our life choices and our theology on our own feelings, our own desires, on what the world calls “being true to ourselves,” –surely this is not "truth" in the Christian sense. Surely it is a Lie, just as the Bible says that pursuing a heterosexual adulterous relationship or a premarital sexual relationship is hurtful, unhealthy, and ultimately untrue to God, to our neighbour, to ourselves.
“You don't have to be a Christian to know that it's not sex that holds a marriage together. It is love, and our God who is love. Sex and love are not the same thing, even though our culture gets these so confused. Acting on all of our sexual urges would be wild, disloyal and fickle. On the other hand, Galatians 5:23 describes love with the words "patient, faithful, and self-controlled."

In any case, shouldn't we as Christians know better than anyone that no condition or habit or preference is unchangeable under God's reign? When Jesus says that His Kingdom is at hand, that the lame will walk and the blind will see, should we really think that it is impossible that the gay not also be straight?

Our culture is saying that you're gay, therefore this is how you should be acting. What about those who want to live a disciplined life and love with the sacrificial life of Jesus?

Cardinal Suhard said that "To be a witness does not consist in engaging in progaganda, nor even in stirring people up, but in being a living mystery. It means to live in such a way that one's life would not make sense if God did not exist." I am sure that much of the world will not understand why a young man with homosexual desire would give that up... and I know this will make for a great witness. I am also sure that there are others in this congregation who have certain habits or tendencies that they have given up as well. By sharing my story and putting this loaded gun in your hands, I hope to encourage you to also open yourself up. It's funny to think that there would be any mystery in a community where nothing is hidden, but I believe our stories could puzzle the world. I pray that this church would take a step closer to the Kingdom with me, where masks don't exist and people love each other and God just because they ARE.

Two years ago, I couldn't separate who I was from the word 'gay'. I looked in the mirror and this sin was a part of me. Now, through Jesus I can't help but see myself as a child of God. Almost any other description of me is subject to change. I am making a practice of sacrificing each behavior, preference and other things that have defined me at the foot of the cross with Jesus. It is incredibly exciting is seeing new behaviors, preferences and desires given to me, ones that I enjoy far more than those I gave up. I want everyone, especially the gays to experience this transformation.

Our message to the gay community or people who deal with same-sex desire should not be any different than to anyone else. Peace Church is a congregation dedicated to recreating life out of death. Come move beyond your brokenness instead of living in it. Do not settle for complacency. If you have any doubt about something that you have been filling your life with, Jesus asks you that today will be the day that you let go of what you want. Not our will but his be done. This is the paradox of our faith, in our submission to the Father there is ultimate freedom.

Mission + Justice

And again another course is FINITO. And again it is TOO BAD, because I am loving on my profs like nobody's business. I just did a course called the "theology of mission".

We learned some pretty cool things. For example, worship is the goal and fuel of mission. Mission exists because worship doesn't; where there is not worship, there is mission, so worship, not mission, is the first priority.

We talked a lot about the importance of learning to

Our prof had live in Congo for years, so it was really interesting studying under someone who has lived what he's now teaching. I want to go to Africa hahah. It was a really convicting course. It was good to be reminded that I'm called to "be a missionary" every minute of the day.

I'm also developing a passion for justice.

Looking at the emphasis the Bible puts on taking care of the orphans and the widows and the heart that the Lord has for the poor.... I've really enjoyed ministering to the homeless this year. It gets me excited for the future thinking about the possibility of working for them full time.

Peace out!

Sin is sooo interesting.

We just finished our Christian Theology course yesterday. Which sucks. Our prof, a hard-nosed Polish guy was SUPER intelligent and wise in the Word. We finished the course taking about sin, which was SOO interesting. I don't know why I like learning about it so much... I don't know why it needs to be such a hard issue to talk about with some people... I'm just ready to accept how sinful I am I guess.

We talked a little bit about demon possession and exorcism, which was also cool, I've never heard so candidly such terrible stories from one person. It was a good thing. I don't know about what he had to say about exorcism though... he had been involved in a few. He talked about how the demon had to be addressed, named and give his purpose and cast out and praying them out... and sometimes there were greater demons waiting behind that one.... I just don't know how someone gets those ideas... because the only time Jesus asked for the name of a demon was when "legion" had taken over a guy... Dialoging with something so evil seems pointless to me. How can you trust that ANYTHING it's saying isn't a lie? Even if you're speaking in the authority of Christ?

Just something I'm thinking about. Especially because of the homeless walk last week. In my two experiences this year with the homeless, the spiritual warfare/ spirituality was so evident.

In contrast, the spiritual deadness of St.John's youth group was highlighted tonight. The Kaleo kids led the youth group because Kathryn couldn't make it, which was cool. We led some hilarious games that the guys have never played. But things took a sad turn when we put on the Quest video... which was about Hell (coincedence that this was right after our class on this topic? definitely not). Anyways, the videos asked a few questions about "what are your plans to avoid Hell" and "how are you going to follow Jesus"... and the answers that came from the kids who have been going to church forever shocked me. The answers were things like "Generally, try to be a good person" and "Try to stay true to yourself" and "Try to do something nice for somebody".

A. Everyone thought that it was there good deeds that would "get them in" to Heaven.
B. No one mentioned that Christ is the only way to the Father and that it's only through his death that we have been redeemed.
C. No one mentioned Jesus. period.
D. All of the answers included the word "try". Is it really that hard to DO? AGH!

It was an eye-opener. It gave us a good opportunity to share the good news with our kids... Please pray that they cared. It's tough. One girl literally got a pony for Christmas. Jesus isn't really good news when you've already got everything you think you need.

Till next time,
Kevin

Oh the Homeless...

Well, I just had a fantastic night yesterday. Kind of.

St. John's youth group headed off to Victoria last night to give to the homeless. They had done a pancake dinner to raise money a few weeks ago... the week after I made a mall scavenger hunt for them and afterwards we bought some toiletries and food... and yesterday we gave it out.

The people we met break my heart. Their insight into life kills me. And they are sooo open. The conversations with those people are so interesting and deep so quickly. They're real. And they're SO open to truth. And so much of what they say IS so true = so biblical. The first woman I met last night was named Linda (everyone calls her mama though... and mama bear when she's angry ahahha). She was talking about how she checks in with everyone she runs into... makes sure they're living well... because "everyone needs to be loved unconditionally"... and she wanted to be that love for people. I wanted to ask her who she had to provide that love for her... but I thought of it after I left her. I should have handed her my Bible and told her that it will tell her everything she needs to know about unconditional love.

I should being doing things like what we did last night all the time.

Kevin

Jesus the Christ

Holy Cow (that's a little pagan isn't it? considering I just came out of gospels class...) Jesus is something else. Who knew?
I just took and excellent course on the Gospels with Wes Olmstead and his "apprentice" Nate. Whoa.
Did you know that when people in the Bible bowed down before Christ and said something like "surely you are the Messiah", they didn't realize that they were actually speaking to the one true Son of God?
Or that Jesus did not know everything before his death? For example, when talking about the end times, he says in Matthew 24:36 that only the Father knows when the events he is prophesying will happen. I never paid much attention to that. Nor did I ever spend much time thinking about the humanity of Jesus... so much emphasis has been put on his divinity that I almost accepted him has nothing but divine.
What a wonderful course.
Meanwhile, I just went snow caving on Mt. Washington and that was probably in the top 3 list of my most ridiculous camping experiences. I don't know that I have been so uncomfortably cold for so long in my life. But the cave we made WAS pretty amazing. Minus our friend Arlan (one of the weirdest characters I have ever known) forgot his sleeping bag, so Jon and I zipped our sleeping bags together and all three of us slept crammed together. I can't sleep when I'm relying on someone else for comfort... The first thing I'm buying when I get married is a nice wide bed.

Peace out, dudes and dudettes!

Kevin

Skoop-bah-dap-beep-boop-BOP BOP BOP!!!

Hey guys. This is what's up. St. John's has been absolutely incredible to me. I freaking love that church. It is such a new thing to go to church with a defined purpose... in my case, it's the youth. I never would have thought that I would get out of my ride to the church and have all of the youth race out and jump on me and be so so stoked that because my Kaleo group arrived. Plus my leader Katherine is super cool. I hope that I have such a heart so focused on ministry one day. She works a lot with young pregnant women in rough conditions, so she's constantly relying on God, and so she's always seeing him at work. Too cool.

Meanwhile, the church is going through INTENSE times. The Anglican churches are beginning to choose sides it sounds like. I thought for a while that the main issue was "same-sex blessing", but apparently the issue goes much deeper. Rather, the issues. I heard that about 80% of the anglican churches are more on the liberal side. The authority of scripture is being challenged, questioned and in some cases disregarded... "What's true for you is true for you" seems to be the motto of many in the Anglican community. I'm taking comfort in the fact that I've never read anything in the Bibes that isn't true when applied to my life.

St. John's isn't one of the liberal churches, fortunately (I don't understand why a Christian would want to "liberate" themselves from the Word of God). On top of everything, our Pastor is not doing well at all. He is suffering mentally in a bad way. If you could pray for that and St. John, that would be fantastic.

It's amazing to be part of such a tight-knit community, who pulls together even tighter in the midst of the roughest stuff.

Jesus love,

Kevin

Where the hank am I?

It is WEIRD being back here. I just spent the weekend in Vancouver at Missions Fest. What an AMAZING group of people running that thing. You could talk to anyone, everyone has QUITE a story, I loved every seminar... whoa WOW WOW!

It's especially fun going to something like that having NO IDEA what you want to do next year and being totally open to anything. I would love to work with MCC in Uganda like my friend Julie did. I really like the idea of doing the SALTS program. I'm feeling like I need to do another few semesters of Bible school, and my only hesitation is that after those years I'll lose my steam and my heart for missions. Good thing I don't have to worry about relying on myself...

I'm going to share with you something that was really cool. At one of the seminars, a man was speaking to us who had "received the call" to go to Cuba at 19. So the bible student left to Cuba at the age of 19 knowing English, Greek, and Hebrew... but no spanish (hilarity ensues). After having spent some time there, he's exploring through the jungle and ends up getting abducted by a tribe in the middle of nowhere! Long story short, he befriends the people of this tribe and begins living with them and learning their language. Not only do they have 26 different words for the color "red"... but their language is also TONAL; there are three different TONES to their language. In other words, you could use the same expression three different times with three different tones, and it would mean something completely different each time. For example, by saying the same thing with three slight differences in tone (I barely noticed them), he could say "I ran after the rabbit", "It went down the hole" and "I have received eternal salvation". Because tone was such a major component of the language, they could communicate through whistling. Here's the part that really got me. Because they could communicate using JUST TONE, they heard God speak to them through the wind. Oh MAN.

One of his major points was that we go to other countries intending to do MORE than just tell others about Christ, but we try to americanize them with the mindset that everyone else is "primitive". Evidently, even tribes in the middle of nowhere don't need our "sophistication"... just Jesus.

Love Kevin

Till next time!

Can't get enough of that Sugar Crisp!

Hey kids! Welcome back to my life.

Boy oh boy, brace yourselves, because last week was the toughest one yet... My group went to Mt. Washington to go snowboarding/ snowshoeing for a week... the very week that the base of the mountain had more fresh snow than any other mountain in the world! Rough going indeed!

A few weeks ago my friend Matt and I did a presentation of an overview of the Pentateuch. I posted the video, but it will take a little while for it to load on the net.... check out my facebook sometime in the next day.

Part 1: http://langara.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=503869098463

Part 2: http://langara.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=503869377903

Our Pentateuch course was amazing. I am so glad we did that, reading the New Testament makes SO much more sense now. It's crazy to me that the same God in the Old Testament who creates the universe, delivers the Israelites from Egypt and whose voice shakes people flat on the ground reduced himself to a man as Christ in the New Testament. I'm excited for our Gospels course, I'd like to figure out the implications that this brings with it.

Mt. Washington was really something. Snowboarding and snowshoeing were fun, I hit some jumps with a speed I never would have before, but the setting in which we were doing it was something else. There were a few times we stopped what we were doing and stared at the sky and the MILES AND MILES of mountains surrounding us for a good half four. It is magic to snowboard and watch the sky with bros and sisters in Christ. What a wonderful memory.

As well, my friend Alex Glass shared her story with us. It caught a few people off-guard, and I think that it will affect me more than I know now. The challenge she gave to all of us was "Is Jesus enough for you". It might seem a simple question, but it's pretty hard to answer when I'm just soooo comfortable. I've never lost, and I have a LOT. I don't NEED Jesus (if you know what I mean); I could just live the rest of my life assuming that my own provision is up to myself. The answer to this question WILL be yes, but I still need to wrestle with it.

Love you guys,

Kevin

HELLLLOO!

EMILY, I"M SORRY, I PROMISE I tried to post this before I left to Mount Washington on Sunday, but it only saved as a draft...I will make it up to you!

Well, hello again! I'm back at camp for another four months, woot woot! What a different semester this will be...

I have a new roommate named Mark which is SAWEEET because now room 209 is packed full! He's 21 and a computer animator, so his presence adds a lot to the room.

As well, at my Anglican Church (Saint John's), my friend Alexandra (we just call her Alex) has joined our youth ministry team which is VERY cool, because she'll be able to give to the girls of the group in a way that neither Kurtis or I could.

I had an AMAZING opportunity to get to know the group over the Christmas break through an inter-youth retreat... initially I didn't know how big an impact I made by going, but going to youth friday night I definitely experienced a closeness with the kids who went. God is good. Unfortunately, though, I was really looking forward to spending time with two guys in particular (the ones who actually attend St. John's on Sundays) and neither of them were able to come, so if you could continue to pray that those friendships would grow I would hugely appreciate that, as the effect of the prayers from home ARE so evident. I've spent very little time with them, and yet I know these guys really enjoy Kurt and I.

Coming back here was very different. I have yet to process all the ways this is true... but one thing I have realized is that I can't "coast" through this semester (I'm so thankful I'm figuring this out at the beginning of the semester) - last semester was my time to "soak" in the benefits and gifts that this community offers. I've been pretty restless the last few nights and I know now that it's because I haven't been GIVING nearly as much as I should. I am not thinking of anything in "big" terms...just little things like prayer and encouragement cards and initiating conversations with others that I don't speak to so often.

It was also weird because I came here and I felt like I was meeting with God again for the first time in a while. I got here and had that "oh!" feeling... like "oh!...hi God..." which is so strange because I had seen God work in so many ways over the vacation... but that "oh!" led to a lot of guilt and frustration and confusion for me... mostly because I didn't understand WHY it had been happening. I would really like continued prayer for discernment; I want to be able to identify what isn't right in my life more quickly, in others lives, and what's going on with me spiritually.

That's it for now! I'm leaving at four in the morning for a SWEET TIMES snowboard trip (tough life, I know).

I really love you guys,

Grace and Peace,

Kevin